1. The supportive pair: Is it too much to ask that you find a couple who’ll celebrate your relationship? Certainly not, says Sally Connolly, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Louisville, Kentucky. In fact, having a pair in your corner who have a stake in the health and success of your marriage goes a long way toward keeping the two of you on track. “A couple who is positive about life, and marriage, are folks you can look up to,” says Connolly. Who they might be: Family members; the couple who set you up on your first date; an older couple that live in your neighborhood.
2. The daring duo: How easy is it, when you’re in a relationship, to just stay at home? But that can breed boredom, which can lead to marital discord — which is why having a couple on speed dial who push you to try new things can be a breath of fresh air. “You need a couple who’ll call you and say, ‘Let’s go kayaking this weekend’ or ‘Let’s try that new restaurant,” says Connolly. Who they might be: Your intrepid best friend from college, whose husband you also love; work pals you met and clicked with.
3. The same-stagers: Knowing a couple who is in the same life stage as you are, or going through the same transitions as you are (newlyweds, new parents, empty-nesters), helps make you feel less alone and adrift as your life takes dramatic turns. “Their experience helps normalize yours,” says Connolly. Who they might be: The couple next door who moved in at the same time as you; the pair you met when your kids started preschool.
4. The dear old pals: The couple who knew you way back when — who were fellow daters, say, or who were at your wedding — act as your historical touchstone. “They have memories of you as a couple when you first met, which gives them a stake in the success of your marriage,” says Connolly. These are the pairs (or halves of pairs, sometimes) who can offer perspective when you’re going through a rocky period in your marriage. Who they might be: Your maid of honor and her hubby, your sister and brother-in-law (or vice versa).
Weed Out:
1. The couple with a “bad half“: While it’s hard to find a “perfect” foursome (you like her, he likes him and so on), it’s not good for you to be with a couple when either you or your partner seriously dislikes one or the other of that set. Why? “It’s more likely to highlight problems you might be having,” says Connolly, if, say, your friend’s husband is so negative that he drags your man down. Who they might be: That girlfriend you have who’s always had the “bad boy” boyfriend — only now she’s married to him.
2. The gossipy pair: Be aware of the couple who’s always sharing bad-news stories about other people or couples you know in common. “If they’re constantly negative and gossipy, who’s to say they’re not dishing out details about you to other people?” says Connolly. Who they might be: The totally-plugged-in, know-everyone couple in your town, on everyone’s e-mail list.
3. The troubled union: While you shouldn’t abandon friends who are going through a rough patch, “steer clear of couples who seem stuck in a bad cycle of infidelity, or who are going through a particularly nasty divorce,” says Connolly. Simple, but true: Negativity is contagious. However, offer support to individual friends as you can. Who they might be: Anyone in a union so toxic that spending time with them colors your normally positive view of the institution of marriage.
4. The competitive couple: Who wants to spend social time with two people who are always playing the one-up game — about their kids, their careers, their house, their vacations? “You have to decide who you wish to be as a couple, and if another couple doesn’t match that, they’ll only drag you down,” says Connolly. Who they might be: The class mom and her hubby; the neighbors always noting what kind of car you drive or where you go on vacation.
5. The flirtatious types: Trust your instincts on this one: If one half of a couple in your social circle can’t keep his (or her!) hands to themselves, that’s a red flag, says Connolly. Even if you think your marriage is immune to infidelity, why take the chance on temptation? Who they might be: The racy young pair next door; the coworker and his second (or third) spouse.
Take a Minute and Evaluate: Before you hit “reply all” take a minute and ask yourself, “Does everyone need to read this?” The answer is pretty much always no. Sometimes all it takes is a split second for you to realize, “No one cares what I have to say on this topic, so I will keep it to myself.” Please click “discard draft” instead.
Answer the Question: After a brief evaluation, sometimes the answer is, “Yes, I should reply to all,” especially if the email is asking a question. A friend sends out a missive that asks, “What should we do tonight, guys?” You should probably respond, but only respond by answering the question.
Keep the In-Jokes to Yourself: The great thing about mass emails is that you can communicate with a great number of people all at once. The problem is that there’s always that insecure person who feels the need to show just how close to you he or she is to the person who sent the email so he responds to everyone, “Just like that donkey that was wearing socks that we saw on the way to Mobile. AMIRITE!” We do not find this amusing.
Don’t Just Say Thank You: If your thoughtful coworker emails the office and says, “Hey everyone, I tried out my new recipe for Lemon Bars last night and brought them for you to enjoy. They’re on the table in the kitchen, help yourself,” please don’t email everyone just to say, “Thanks!” or “Yummy!” or “You da bomb.” This is now a whole separate email in our inbox that includes just one word, or maybe two or three. We have to delete that email and that takes effort we’d rather spend cruising the sales on Gilt Groupe while pretending to actually work.
Err on the Side of Replying to One: If you want to say something but don’t know if it’s appropriate for the whole audience, reply to the original sender only. This is perfect for in-jokes, statements that don’t answer any questions, and monosyllabic assertions of agreement. Just tell the person who started the thread. That person emailed the group to share information and/or get input, so they won’t care.
Avoid the Passive Aggressive CC: Sometimes you send an email to one person and they respond by CCing their boss, assistant, best friend, ex-girlfriend, or some random person they met Saturday night at a bar. Suddenly you find yourself in the middle of a group email you never intended. This is especially bad if you don’t know the third party. The only way to retaliate is to never reply all during this conversation. Just respond to the person who you originally emailed.
Take Preventative Measures: If you put all the email addresses in this field, they will stay anonymous and immune from the “Reply All.” Please, in the future, use this or we’re going to start giving your email address to spammers in retaliation.
5 THINGS PETS CAN TEACH US ABOUT RELATIONSHIPSYourTango.com)
1. Always say hello and goodbye. Ever stumble out of the house and off to work without saying goodbye to your partner? A dog wouldn’t let you get away with disappearing for nine hours without a word, nor would he like it if you came home without petting him on the head. While it may seem trivial, simply acknowledging your partner and wishing him well goes a long way.
2. People require maintenance and attention. Many of us wish for a low-maintenance partner, but no matter how down-to-earth someone is when you first meet him, he typically ends up requiring more work and attention from you than you want to give. Would you skip cleaning your fish tank for a couple of weeks just because you’re busy with taxes?
3. Though of the same breed, but no two people are alike. In the same way that no two calico cats are alike, no two brooding artists or playful jocks are alike either. Some cats like to drape themselves over your keyboard, and some spend half the day hiding under the bed. Although it may be tempting to make assumptions about your new boyfriend based upon certain personality traits he shares with your exes or yourself, even, you should give every new partner the benefit of the doubt.
4. Always forgive. Ever yell at your dog for having an accident on your new carpet? We sure have, but we inevitably cuddle with them immediately afterward, unable to remain angry.
5. Not everyone will agree with your choice of who to love. Some people love cats, and others love dogs. Some people think tarantulas make for great pets, and others would rather see them go extinct. Similarly, not everyone (not even your closest friends!) will think that your partner’s a stand-up guy but, at the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide who to love. Listen to their reasons for not liking that nerdy new guy you’ve been seeing, but if you have a heart for nerds, then by all means, help yourself!
THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH BEER (Besides drink it) — Men’s Health
• Bathe in It: Instead of sipping a beer, try soaking in it. Pour a bottle of German Badebier in the tub and lie back for a real bubble bath.
• Put Out a Fire: Although certainly not as effective as a real fire extinguisher, a can or bottle of beer can mimic one if none is available. Simply shake and spritz. After all, beer is mostly water. This works on small grill flare-ups, and some people have been known to carry an emergency can in their car in case of engine fire. Or at least that’s what they tell the state troopers.
• Loosen Rusty Bolts: Pour some beer on them and wait a few minutes. The carbonation may help break up the rust.
• Clear Up Brown Spots in Your Lawn: According to Andrew Lopez, a professional gardener, the fermented sugars in beer stimulate plant growth and kill fungi. He recommends spraying either home brew or Rolling Rock (both are chemical-free) on those annoying brown spots in your lawn. (Either that, or just stop peeing there.) “The grass will absorb the sugar in the beer and draw energy from it,” Lopez explains.
• Pass a Kidney Stone: As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, beer is a diuretic. It helps flush the kidneys and bladder. This can be beneficial if you’re suffering from a bladder infection or kidney stone. “You can drink water or cranberry juice, but beer also works,” says Larry L. Alexander, M.D., medical director of Central Florida Regional Hospital’s emergency department. ” It helps dilate the ureters [the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder], which may help you pass a stone quicker and easier. Plus, the alcohol will take the edge off the pain.” But don’t drink beer if you’re taking antibiotics or narcotic pain medications. You’ll render the drugs useless and make yourself sick.
• Soothe Tired Feet: Pour a couple of cold ones into a bucket and soak your dogs. “Ice-cold beer with lots of carbonation can be soothing for tired feet,” Dr. Alexander says. Stop at two; you don’t want to start staggering.
• Step 1. Gather evidence — Just to be clear, it is very typical for a disloyal spouse to deny they are having an affair, even if you walk in and catch them “in the act”, so to speak. They jump up and as they’re putting their clothes on they’ll say “It’s not what it looks like!” So this step is intended to confirm to yourself that you are not making a mountain out of a molehill, something really is going on.
• Step 2. Confront — Go to him directly and tell him to his face that you know about the affair and that you have evidence in a safe place that proves it. Don’t tell him where it is, or what it is necessarily, just let him know that YOU you know. Then, state that in order for the marriage to work, there cannot be infidelity. Ask him point blank to end the affair. Make sure he understands that ending the affair means that he can never, EVER contact the other person again.
• Step 3. Disclose — Disclose the affair to ONE very respected authority who he is likely to look up to and listen to, someone who is likely to be pro-marriage and to tell him that he should end the affair and work on the issues in your marriage. This person could be one of his parents, a religious leader, a teacher, or a boss. Meet with this person in confidence and explain to them that you expect them to keep the matter confidential, but that you need help. Then explain that your spouse is having an affair and give them the facts. If you can, show them the evidence. Then ask the respected person to help you and support you as you talk to your husband and again ask them to stop the affair.
• Step 4. Exposure — Expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. The idea behind exposure is not to drag your husband’s name and reputation through the mud, but rather to refuse to keep the affair a “secret” and to bring the ugly truth of the unfaithfulness to the light of day. In his mind he may be thinking something like, “Oh yes we might be disrupting four people’s lives, but don’t I deserve some happiness too?” What he doesn’t realize is that a divorce will not affect four people — it will be a like the ever-widening wake of a nuclear bomb, affecting possibly hundreds of people!
• Step 5. Carrot & Stick — In this phase you focus on two things: working on yourself to once again be the person who attracted your spouse AND allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his choices. You should work on yourself by eliminating the things that extinguished love between you two (like judging, angry explosions, enough is never enough, etc.) and by re-visiting the things that kindled the love between the two of you in the first place.
• Step 6. Consequences — In this step, write your husband a letter and explain that you love him. Admit the things you did to contribute to the affair and indicate what you’re doing to end those things. Then express that unless they end all contact with the Other Person and never, EVER contact her again, you will be forced to end all contact with him. The idea behind this step is to give him a realistic taste of what divorce could be like — to not have you in his life to meet ANY needs!
• Step 7. Legal Separation — Many affairs die a natural death within two years. Therefore, I suggest that the couple pursue a legal separation because it will stall the legal process of divorce, and protect the family at the same time. I generally recommend a minimum of one year of legal separation. The disloyal spouse may push for a “quickie” divorce in an attempt to legitimize their affair partner, but if nothing else, a legal separation will give all parties involved a chance to recover from the emotional roller-coaster and a better chance of ending the affair.
Work on your lead: Email subject lines like “Hey, cutie!” “Loved your profile!” or “Let’s get busy!” will be instantly deep-sixed by any self-respecting recipient. If you must be aggressively superficial, at least be specific: “Hey, you [insert color here]-eyed hottie!” or “Let’s get drinks tomorrow, [insert favorite bar here], 8 p.m.!” This approach should reduce your deletion rate by, oh, at least five percent.
Don’t share too much too fast: According to dating coach Laurie Davis, any mention of an ex in your introductory letter is a one-way ticket into the trash folder. “Don’t even hint at your past relationship status by saying things like ‘An ex once said I’m. . . or ‘I’m recently out of a relationship and looking for something casual’ or ‘My last relationship was X months ago.”
Post a photo: Granted, there are some epistolary geniuses out there who can coax anyone into responding to their opening emails without providing any indication of what they actually look like. Sadly, though, not having any photos posted with your profile won’t make the object of your desire picture a secretive, brilliant, brooding MacArthur fellow or mysterious model; it’s usually something a bit less . . . complimentary.
Tone down the emotion: Self-pitying repartee like “I don’t know why I keep doing this, all my emails seem to vanish into a black hole” will cause yours to, well, vanish. As a general rule, anger, jealousy, despair and vindictiveness are not constructive emotions to share in an introductory email, on a first date, or even after you’ve gotten comfortable with the other person.
Check for typos before hitting Send: Says David S., a Washington-area social worker: “If there are typos, misspellings or poor grammar, I usually don’t make it to the end of a person’s email. I don’t need to be with an award-winning novelist, but I do want someone who can communicate reasonably well.”
Don’t game the system: Nothing speaks to your character, integrity and financial stability like asking the object of your ardor to write back via your regular email address, especially if this exempts you from having to pay any membership fees — and nothing smacks of desperation (and/or lack of judgment) like including your phone number in your initial email.
Be original: Even if you’re a total klutz with nouns, verbs and adjectives, drafting your own sweetly clumsy introductory email is vastly preferable to asking your friend (or mother) to write it for you. “If a person’s letter reads like it comes from a template — ‘I’m equally comfortable in my pajamas watching a movie at home as I am in a gown at a formal affair’ — I stop reading,” agrees David S.
Bars: The reason folks go to a bar is to drink, and alcohol happens to be the ultimate social lubricant. So why is it that any examination of where to meet women starts off by stating bars probably aren’t the answer?
Social clubs, civic groups, adult education classes: The same relationship experts who bash bars as places to meet women often suggest trying social gatherings that don’t involve alcohol. Theoretically this makes a lot of sense. Our problem? We don’t know all that many people who have forged a meaningful romantic relationship at a cooking class or because they volunteered at the local museum.
Online: Everything is more efficient when you do it online, including dating. While the stigma against meeting someone on the Internet is probably a thing of the past, when you meet a woman through an online dating service, you are always going to have the uneasy feeling that you are a few simple clicks away from being replaced.
Family-and friend-endorsed functions: Think weddings, birthday parties, etc. Obviously being in the same extended social circle is a terrific ice breaker. It could get a little uncomfortable though, if things heat up and then fizzle. Especially if you revealed any secrets you don’t want out there.
During the minutiae of life: Grocery stores, laundromats and other places that are part of your routine are often tossed out as great venues to meet women. No doubt there is potential there, but if you’re suave enough to pick up a chick while waiting in line at Starbucks, you probably don’t need much advice on meeting women.
FIVE MISTAKES GUYS MAKE THAT SCARE WOMEN AWAY (AskMen.com)
Being too easy to please: The truth is that women love compliments. But throw out too many niceties too early on, laugh at all of our jokes (even when we both know they’re not funny), and always want to do what we want to do, and we’ll begin to think you’re being insincere. We’ll also think that you’re only trying to achieve one thing: to get into our pants.
Being too focused on sex: We know you have an endgame with us. In fact, we’d be mightily insulted if you didn’t want to sleep with us after the first date! However, if you rush us or push us into a sex guilt-trip, we’re not going to put out; instead, we’re going to start wondering whether you like us for our personality or for our breasts. If you really like a girl and are interested in forming a long-lasting relationship with her, hold off on the pressure. She’ll let you know when she’s ready — and it will probably be sooner than you think.
Being possessive too soon: You know what it’s like: You’re sitting at home playing Playstation while your hot new girlfriend is still out drinking with a bunch of her male colleagues. It’s getting late and since you haven’t heard from her for a couple of hours, you try to get hold of her. But you can’t. So you start obsessively calling, texting and stalking her Facebook page. Unfortunately, she’s not going to think it’s cute; she’s going to think it’s creepy. Wait for her to contact you and then listen and nod politely when she regales to you stories about her crazy antics from the night before.
You’re cheap: While modern women like to believe we can pay our own bills and can afford our own expensive dinners, we judge how much a man likes us by how often he pulls out his wallet. Sorry, gents, no splitting the bill just yet.
Talking about exes: Our female brains aren’t wired like yours. We don’t thrive on competition. We don’t think it’s the ultimate challenge to help you get over your ex and get on top of us instead. On the contrary, many of us will actually shy away from you if you continue to tell us either how wonderful your ex was, how upset you are that she dumped you, how toxic your old relationship was, or how glad you are to “finally be rid of the bitch.” Instead of being a turn-on, all this ex talk instantly screams that you have way too much baggage for our comfort levels.
SIGNS YOU SHOULD UNFRIEND SOMEONE ON FACEBOOK (Cosmopolitan)
1. She’s a firm believer that you can learn a lot about your health from your poop — and has the status updates to prove it.
2. You’ve only met him once but he “likes” everything you do on Facebook. Uh, stalk much?
3. You’re pretty sure she doesn’t wear her dress and veil everyday, but the girl can’t stop posting pics from her wedding two years ago.
4. He changed his relationship status to single instead of breaking up with you in person.
5. One word: Farmville.
6. She might not be on The Biggest Loser but for some reason she wants the entire world to know what she had for lunch, how many miles she just ran, and when she is sweating it out at the gym.
7. She has a photo album of your days as a teen beauty pageant queen, a scanner, and a passion for tagging.
8. EVERY WORD HE WRITES IS IN CAPS AND USUALLY FOLLOWED BY TONS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!
9. “So-and-So added you as a friend on Facebook” is the most you’ve heard from him in 10 years. Now that you’ve accepted the request you still haven’t connected.
10. You call her Mom.
I Have A Boyfriend: I can understand a woman staying with a great guy, but so many women stay with losers. I’ve gone for many girls who stay with a jerk who cheats on them, thinking they’ll opt for me as the nicer guy. I should probably just shut off my attraction when I find out a girl has a boyfriend. But when I hear that he doesn’t treat her well, or he cheats on her, or her friends all tell me they want her to break up with him, I think of myself as a savior who could sweep her off her feet and show her what it’s like to be with a nice guy. But it never works that way.
I’m Out Of Your League: Whether it’s true or not, we all do it: when someone’s interested in us, sometimes we think we can do better. If we are fixated on a “god” or “goddess” we might miss something great right under our nose. If a girl thinks she can do better than me, even before she gets to know me, there’s not much I can do. Of course, maybe she knows I’m lazy, I have cats, and I’m afraid to commit just by looking at me.
I’m In Another Town: Long distance is challenging and usually not worth the drama. But I’ve been into girls who live in other towns in my past. I’m guilty of sending emails, gifts, and trying to start relationships from remote locations. It’s tough to start something up from far away when you can’t go on dates, or go over to each other’s place for a movie.
My Last Relationship Destroyed Me: People have to recover from the pain of past relationships. So, it doesn’t matter how great I am if she’s in recovery mode. She has to get through it at her own pace before she’s emotionally available.
I Don’t Want A Boyfriend: Just like men don’t commit, women sometimes don’t want to get in to anything too serious. When a situation gets to the critical point with a girl who doesn’t want a boyfriend she just tells me it’s best to “remain friends”.
I Am In To Someone Else: Even if a girl is in to another guy, I play the percentages: 90% chance that he’s a jerk, or does something stupid or inconsiderate. So, it doesn’t necessarily deter me when I find out a girl likes another guy. But I forget, regardless of how great or bad the other guy is, if a girl likes him she probably has tunnel vision.
I’m Insane: Whether it’s a little baggage or certifiable insanity, it’s nearly impossible to get through to someone who isn’t thinking clearly.
